i've always been late to the party. at age twelve i was barley five feet tall and would have been happiest reading old copies of the baby-sitters club under my heart comforter with leftover halloween candy as my companion. don't feel bad for me, i wasn't a lonely kid or without friends, but i was painfully awkward.
most days in school i did my best to hide, which was a challenge with thick 80s glasses, a chubby frame and no neck. i hated being called on almost as much as i hated not knowing the answer. i worked hard but school never came easy to me. i always felt like i was hurrying up to catch up, and not quite making it.
it's hard to be a kid sometimes. even if your best friend (who always got straight As and never rubbed them in your face) encouraged you to keep studying, or your parents bought you that overpriced outfit from the gap that you just had to have or even if a boy actually laughed at your jokes. it was still hard to just get up every day and go to school sometimes. i had no reason to believe that age 12 was simply a phase of my life that was important to the next steps around the bend.
i'm in a totally different phase these days. the phase of figuring out how to be a mama to an ever growing, beautiful, sweet and brilliant boy and not letting him down. atticus is still so little, barely out of that baby stage and i worry about how he feels all the time. i want so much for him to feel confident and hopeful, secure in his life and place, and most of all endlessly and unconditionally loved. i try, so hard, to give him as much of myself as i can, knowing all the while that this sometimes frustrating phase of not quite a baby, and not yet a boy, is hard for him too.
Comments
Post a Comment